Found But Never Lost

One year ago today, our sweet Sissy/Shisi was found at the gate of an orphanage in China.
August 26th, 2011.
It was a Friday.

There are so many details that I don't know.
And will probably never know.

What time of day was it when she was found? 
Early morning? Late at night?
What was the temperature?
What was she wearing?
Was there a note?
Was she wrapped in a blanket?
On the ground? In a basket? A box?
Was she asleep?
Was she crying?
How long was she left alone until someone found her?
Did her mother hide in the background and watch to see who would come?

I had no idea how haunting this would be.
The not knowing.
The sheer mystery that surrounds our little one.

I don't know anything about her birthmother.
But deep down inside my being, I feel like this day must be agonizing for her.
An anniversary that will never be met with celebration.
The harsh remembrance of the day she said good-bye to her daughter.
Forever.

I imagine her explaining to her baby girl why this was happening. I envision her whispering words of never-ending love, kissing her puffy cheeks, holding her tiny body as close as she could, memorizing every single inch of her face, and drinking in her baby's sweet smell for one last time.
Surely she felt her heart would stop beating the instant her arms were empty.

The moment we received Sissy's file, there hasn't been a single day that has passed when she hasn't held my thoughts captive.
How her birthmom has endured these last 365 days is beyond my comprehension.

My soul aches for her.
Cries out to her.
We are connected, she and I.
We have the same daughter.

While on opposite sides of the world, we both have the same missing piece in our heart.

Ever since the day we were granted approval to adopt Sissy, I have had a relentless desire to piece together as much of her past as I possible can. I have joined online groups of families who have adopted from her region. Tracked down families who have adopted from her orphanage.

I found an organization that locates finding ads.
For those who don't know what a finding ad is, let me explain...
In China, a parent cannot place their child to be adopted. It is actually illegal, so the parent(s) must make an adoption plan in secret. The parent(s) typically will leave their child in a highly populated area where they can be found and taken to an orphanage. The birth parents leave no trace of their identity. With Sissy being placed at the gate of the orphanage, it shows how dearly her mother loved her and wanted to make sure she was taken care of the instant she was found.

Since 1999, the orphanages in China are required to run a provincial newspaper advertisement for children that are found and brought to their orphanage. They are called "Finding Ads." These ads contain information about where and when the child was found and which orphanage is caring for them. Originally these were text-only ads, but most provinces now include photographs. These photographs are usually the earliest available pictures of the children, some from as young as a few weeks old.

If no one claims the child, the child gets a "Certificate of Abandonment" that proves the biological parents have relinquished their parental rights through abandonment. There is no legal avenue for the birth parents to reclaim custody. Because of this, it's a real mystery knowing who the birth family is. The only link tangible to this is where the birth parent(s) carefully chose their child to be found.

When Sissy's finding ad came in the mail just a week after I requested it, I was surprised by my reluctance to open it. It had, apparently, arrived along with some unexpected emotions I had been shoving down deep.

I finally took the paper out of the envelope...

And opened it.

I gasped and choked back hot, salty tears.

Fifty-three babies on one page.

Some crying.
Some staring.
Some smiling.
Some sleeping.
Some with cleft lips.
One little baby wearing a hat.

I scanned the page.
Where is she?
If the paper had not come with an information sheet, I am not confident I could have picked her out.

Fourth column.
Sixth photo down.
Our little Sissy.

Is that really her?

The dates matched the dates we were given.
I double-checked the Chinese characters of her name with the ones on the medical documents we have for her.
It all fit.
That's our girl.

She is crying in the picture.
Her face looks swollen.
Her eyes are tiny slits.
My heart breaks in places I didn't know existed.

I have decided to not post her finding ad on the blog.
It feels too personal.
Too private.
I'll let Shisi decide if she ever wants the world to see it.
It's her picture, afterall.
Her very first picture.