WFM: A Mother's Work and Ministry

This is the final study from Denise Glenn's Wisdom for Mothers study.
I feel like doing the Dora "We Did It!" dance. Phew. It has been quite a job compiling these studies each week, but I'm so glad I did. It was a great refresher for me! I hope these studies were helpful for some of you as well.
The focus this week is on a Mother's Work and a Mother's Ministry.

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Go Ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, Lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the world.
Matthew 28: 19-20
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A Mother's Work

I know many of you struggle with the issue of working outside the home while you have young children. Your heart tells you to stay home with your child. But your head tells you your budget can't afford for you not to work.

Others of you wonder just how much time you should spend at church or volunteering in the community. Perhaps you're a stay-at-home mom who is bombarded by the church, the school, and the community to volunteer all your time away.

Let's look in God's Word to find a biblical outlook on a woman's work/ministry.

The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
Proverbs 14:1

This is the primary standard to measure every kind of work you undertake. Does this job build your home or tear it down?

If you are working and doubt that you are in the right place at work because of your children, tell the Lord. If you are a stay-at-home mom and are juggling to keep a spotless home, busy preschoolers, and lots of volunteer jobs, get honest with your Heavenly Father about what constitutes "Building your home or tearing it down."

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed,
do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 3:17

Evaluate your job or activity to see if you can do it in the name of Jesus and to the glory of God. To do something in Jesus' name means to do it according to His character and his integrity. Can your work or activity pass this test?

When you're making a decision about an activity -- whether it is full-time employment or a volunteer job -- you need to consider this: Would Jesus do this if He were me? Jesus didn't worry about his food, clothing, or shelter. He didn't stay up at night anxious over the future. He lived simply but had all of his needs supplied. He worked as a carpenter, and then went into full-time ministry. He did not worry about money in either vocation. Because we know he was sinless, we know he did not indulge himself nor did he hoard and live in fear.

So how can we be like Jesus -- free from hoarding or over-indulgence? How can we make decisions about working or not working based on biblical principles about finances?

And God is able to bless you abundantly,
so that in all things at all times, having all that you need,
you will abound in every good work.
2 Corinthians 9:8

And my God will meet all your needs
according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19

There is a difference between needs and wants.

What you need is enough healthful food to eat to keep from starving. You may want to have "fancy" food at home and to eat out in a restaurant often, but your basic nutritional needs are fairly simple.

You need a few simple basic garments to cover yourself. You may want to shop every weekend, but you don't really need a closet overflowing with clothing.

We want to live where we have plenty of space to ourselves, but all we really need are a few simple rooms.

Have you made the decision about working full or part-time based on your needs or wants?

[I am going to go out on a limb and say that it's tough living on a single income -- especially when your husband is a resident. BUT. It's doable. We are living proof. We don't eat out often, and if we do it's because we have a coupon. We buy clothes off the clearance rack. Our house is definitely NOT luxurious. But you know what? Life is GOOD, and we are BLESSED!]

Mother-presence and Mother-comfort

Your young children need mother-presence and mother-comfort. No one but you can meet that need. You can pay someone to keep your child, but you can't buy him a mother.

I know many of you are already struggling with guilt over working and what you've just read has stung. My purpose is not to add to your guilt, but to tell you the truth in love. It is best for Mom to be home with little children. There is no denying it. If you feel guilty, take that to the Lord. Ask Him what to do with it. If you feel guilty about leaving your children, but cannot quit work, TELL JESUS. Give Him the problem. Go back and re-study our lesson on trusting God. If you trust Him with your problems and commit yourself to obey whatever He says, then it will turn out right!

[This is such a sticky topic. I know people on both sides. Heck, my mom worked outside the home throughout my childhood. My sister and I were the infamous "latch-key" kids. And you know what? We turned out okay! :) At the end of the day, we knew our mom loved us. I admired her for how hard she worked and how she still had time to be an amazing hands-on mom to my sister and me. But honestly, I would have loved to have my mom at home growing up. I don't think any mother would ever look back and say, "I sure wish I had worked while my kids were growing up!" I know some mothers don't have a choice but would give anything to be able to stay home with their children. If there's any way possible for you to do it, I would encourage you to do so. Pray for God to pave the way.]

A question to ask about any activity or job you are considering: "Does my husband want me to do this?"

Interview your husband:
1. Do you want me to work outside our home?
(If yes) Where do you want me to work?
(If no) How do you want me to spend my time while I'm at home?

2. What is most important to you for me to do?

3. What are your goals for our family/home?

4. Do you feel we share the same goals?

And here are final questions for you to ask yourself:
What if my husband wants me to work and I don't feel it is right?
What should I do?

If your husband is sending you to work, you must go. Don't complain or nag. Go to work and trust God with all the circumstances. Pray for both you and your husband to be completely lined up with God's will. Trust, obey, and let God work it out.

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Mothering Tip

When I was working full-time outside the home, another working mom gave me this tip. She suggested that I go to the grocery store on Friday afternoon directly from work. That way I had plenty of food for the weekend and didn't have to fight Saturday crowds. She also suggested that I start the laundry as soon as I woke up on Saturday morning. That way I could keep it going throughout the morning.

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A Vision for Ministry

Does your heart burn to minister to a certain group of people? Do you have the gift of teaching, serving, or administration? Are you drawn to minister in a special way at your church? Do you wonder if you have a ministry at all?

The Goal of Ministry

When God begins to work in you to shape and mold you for His purpose, it may start to get uncomfortable. Just as clay has to be pressed into shape by pounding and kneading, so the Father will begin to press and "pound" you to conform you to the image of His Son.

Your old flesh patterns will have to be stripped away so the new attitudes and behaviors can be established. He is working in you to answer your prayers!

You are a vessel of God's gracious mercy able to pour it out on a hurting world. God has prepared kingdom work for you. You have a special role perfectly suited to your gifts, talents, and personality. But you have a choice. You can submit to the Father's plan or not.

I believe their is a central truth for ministry that is often overlooked in our zeal to work for Christ. That truth is this: Jesus alone has love enough for the whole world. He alone has the power to transform broken lives. His faith and only His can remove mountains. He alone is holy. We are only called to contain His life. As containers of His life, He is free to love through us, work powerful miracles through us, fill us with faith, and be our holiness.

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Mothering Tip

Give your child a great big hug today. Look them right in the eye today and say, "I love you." If your adult child lives out of town, give them a call just to tell them you are thinking about them and you love them.

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A Mother's Role in Ministry

Ministry is hard work, but it is not just working hard. Let me explain. When God gives you an assignment, it will consume you. It will take all your time and energy. It will keep you up at night and wake you up early in the morning. It is hard. But it is not working hard.

God's plan is that we seek Him, receive His life, then do what He assigns, and go where He sends. It is often effortless. Even when it requires some work, the more you give, the more you receive. The more you pour out, the more you are filled. This is the way ministry is supposed to operate.

Four Part Mission
First, when God calls you to do something, you will probably have to change what you are presently doing and get in on what He is doing. You may have to run to keep up with Him.

Second, you will not be encouraging people to follow you, but will challenge them to follow Jesus. If they are following you, you need to examine your ministry. It has the wrong focus. "If I be lifted up, I draw all men to me," Jesus said (John 12:32). Lift up Jesus. He will draw the disciples to Himself.

Third, you will lead others to be immersed in the character and life of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. When a person is baptized into the life of God, his character is changed.

Fourth, we are to teach all the commandments of Jesus. Whatever Jesus commanded, that is our curriculum. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your might. Love your neighbor as yourself." These are the two great commandments of Jesus. This is what we teach to everyone we contact.

There are some reading this who will be called to minister to a small group of people in your neighborhood. You may be called with your husband to foreign missions. Some will minister to children, and some to singles. Some will be called to work behind the scenes and some to teach thousands.

I do not know what God's call on your life looks like, but I know He has a mission for you to fulfill. Will you go?

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Mothering Skills
Learning to Serve Others

As you grow in your faith, it is easy to begin to recognize how to identify the needs others have that you may be equipped to meet. You will not have to look far to find people with needs -- physical, emotional, financial, or spiritual!

Serving a family in need will have as many varieties as you can imagine. Some friends might need a meal, others might need you to pray with them, some will need godly spiritual advice, while others might need help with childcare. Ask God to show you who needs ministering to and then follow through showing God's love to them. Don't wait for someone to come to you with a need -- be on the look out for someone who needs you!

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Well...that's all folks!
Thanks for reading!
:)

WFM: A Mother's Relationship with Her Children Part 2

There are three main themes for this week's Wisdom for Mothers:
Love, Discipline, and Teaching God's Word.
Again, this is a loooong post (as they've all been, I know).
If it makes you feel any better,
the material below is a condensed version of 35 pages in the workbook.
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Correct your son, and he will give you comfort;
he will also delight your soul.
Proverbs 29:17
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A Mother's Gifts

The three greatest gifts a mother can give her child are unconditional love, discipline, and God's Word.
Your child will never outgrow his need for you to love him unconditionally.
A child who is loved can receive his parent's firm and fair boundaries in discipline.
A child who is disciplined can receive the Word of God.

We know every child needs to receive love. So why do mothers sometimes have to work at giving it? I believe there are at least three reasons.

A. Lack of Parental Love
Many moms have suffered wrongs at the hands of their own parents. Some of these moms have trouble loving their children because they were not loved by their parents. To give love you have to have received love. Some of us had really great parents and some of us did not.

In what kind of home were you raised?
Was it cold and distant?
Was it warm and loving?
How has that background influenced your parenting?
How do you want your home to be the same or different?

B. Self-Centeredness
Children's needs are not met between 9-5, Monday thru Friday. Moms are "on call" 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. A self-serving, self-centered lifestyle doesn't work with the demands of motherhood. Choosing to sacrifice your money, your time, and your energy in order to express unconditional love to your children is a tall order. Are you willing to make the sacrifices to give your child this gift?

C. Performance-Based Acceptance
If we stumble on the obstacle of performance-based acceptance of our kids, it means we are tempted to accept our children when they behave in a way that pleases us, rather than loving and accepting them just because they are our children.

When your baby keeps you all night, or your toddler runs you ragged, or your two-year-old will not potty train, or your six-year-old will not sit still, it's tough to maintain the flow of love, patience, and kindness. When your pre-teen is sassy and your teenager is rebellious, your love will be tested.

It is easy to love a child who is behaving properly. It is so difficult to show love to a child who is not. Will you love your child whether he pleases you or not?

The Model Parent
God is our Father and He is the perfect parent. You cannot look to your own parents as the pattern for your parenting, no matter how good or bad they were. Because they were imperfect, of course, they made mistakes. But your Heavenly Father loves you perfectly and unconditionally.

A Mother's Duty

The second great gift you can give your children is discipline.

A child who learns to obey his parents can someday learn to obey God. When we teach our children to listen to our voices to obey, we are training them to listen to God's voice and obey.

The main phases of disciplining our children:
1. State the Rules
2. Verbally Correct
3. Chastise (Spanking)
4. Confession/Forgiveness
5. Righting the Wrong

State the Rules
The first phase of discipline for our children is to state the rules. This means to clearly tell your child exactly what you expect of him. God has never been unclear about his standards for us. We shouldn't be fuzzy when setting them out for our children.

The parents are to establish clear, concise instructions for their children. Children should know what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behavior.

To help your young child comprehend the rules, practice right behavior with them. For instance, tell your child, "When Mom calls you, you must come the first time I call. That is our family rule. So let's practice it to make sure you understand. Go to the other side of the room. Okay, ready? 'Matthew, come here.'...Oh good! You came right away! Let's do it again. 'Matthew, come here.' Wow, look how fast you came. Great job! Now, the next time we're in the store and I call you, what are you going to do? That's right. You're going to come right away! Good for you!" [Sounds redundant, tedious, silly...but kids love pretending/acting. They are getting full attention and getting praised -- Aubrey loves doing this kind of thing.]

Verbally Correct
If a child intentionally does something wrong (rebellion), the parent's first form of discipline is a verbal correction, followed by other forms of discipline. For example, if you call your young child to you and he defiantly runs the other way, first tell him to "stop." Then follow with the chastisement phase of disciplining.

If a child unintentionally does something wrong, verbal correction should be all that is necessary.

You will also be training your child in aspects of daily living and manners according to your culture. He doesn't automatically know how to say "please," "thank you," "no, thank you," how to make beds, and how to take dishes to the sink. But as you patiently teach and train him, he will learn.

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Mothering Tip

Your children will push you and test your rules for two reasons.

1. They want to know that the rule still stands and that you will stand behind it. This makes them feel secure.

2. They need to test your rules to grow and mature. Eventually, they will outgrow each boundary rule, and you both need to constantly evaluate when they have outgrown it. So expect conflict as your children test the limits. It is a part of growing and developing. Remain firm on rules that need to stay in place and be flexible about the ones that need to be adjusted to the maturity of your child. This, among other things, is what makes parenting a challenge!

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A Mother's Task

Chastisement/Spanking
Before we discuss this most infamous and obvious phase of discipline, you may wonder if this form of discipline is even relevant in today's world. I want to encourage you to read the Scripture today with an open and mind. Ask God to guide you carefully through this study.

Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death.
Proverbs 19:18

Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.
Proverbs 13:24

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away.
Proverbs 22:15

A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother. Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire.
Proverbs 29:15, 17

Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die. Punish them with the rod and save them from death.
Proverbs 23:13-14

I believe the Lord instructed parents to use an instrument of discipline separate from their hands [not necessarily a "rod", but a paddle of some sort] for a very good reason. Hands are too convenient and too available as an instrument of discipline. Hands are for loving. A rod (paddle) tucked away in a drawer gives the parent time to think, pray, and collect himself before administering discipline.

If the child, 18-24 months to 12 years, has defiantly, deliberately disobeyed a clear, stated rule, then and only then, spanking is in order. I believe three firm swats on the buttocks are sufficient for chastisement. The spanking of a disobedient child by a loving, concerned parent is an act of love.

Spanking is not beating a child. It is a measured, controlled administration of a small amount of pain for the greater good of the child. Just like the Pediatrician gives your child a shot, knowing it will be painful, to prevent disease in his body in the future, so a spanking done correctly and in love, can prevent a child from self-destructive behavior in the future.

Spankings are to be relatively infrequent after the initial training phase of a two to five-year-old child. If we discipline our little preschoolers well, spankings should become rare as our children mature from six to twelve years old.

Spanking should always be done when the parent is completely under control. The purpose of spanking is to bring your child under submission to your authority. It will prepare him to submit someday to the authority of his Heavenly Father.

If you were abused as a child, you may find it extremely difficult to spank your child properly. You might be tempted to abuse your kids like you were. Or you could be tempted to eliminate spanking altogether. If you have a passive personality and love to keep peace, you probably will have trouble spanking your child. You will not want to upset him. It will make you uncomfortable. It will be tempting to completely avoid discipline. But abusing a child or avoiding discipline are both wrong. No matter what our personalities or backgrounds are, our children need for us to give them every part of good discipline.

A Suggested Routine
This routine might be helpful as you think about how to discipline your child:

1. Identify the broken rule. Ask your child to restate the rule and confess what he has done wrong.

2. Go get the paddle. Pray on the way to the paddle, "Lord, let it be not too much and not too little."

3. Three swats to buttocks.

4. After the spanking, hold the child and comfort him. You might say something like, "Mama loves you too much to let you act like that. I hate to spank you, but I will do whatever it takes to help you be the wonderful person God intends for you to be."

5. Fellowship restored.

NEVER swat the head, mouth, legs, arms, or any other body part other than the buttocks.

NEVER swat with your hand. Hands are for loving. The exception to this is a toddler who is about to touch something dangerous.

NEVER swat in public. Respect your child's privacy. (Also realize that someone could misinterpret a spanking and think you are abusing your child.)

There is one other note about spanking. If the child is not ready to restore his relationship with you right after the spanking, I suggest you give him 15-20 minutes to be alone. Set the timer so you won't forget to go back to him. When the timer goes off, go back and say, "We need to talk now. You know how much I love you. I know the spanking hurt your feelings, but when you disobey, that's what we have to do. It's time to move on now. Let's have a hug."

Pull the child to you and "finish" the whole episode. Don't apologize for the spanking and try to get on your child's "good" side. Don't let him manipulate you with his pouting. He may be trying to punish you for correcting him. Just matter-of-factly state that children who disobey must suffer the consequences, but you love him tremendously. Then help him get on his way to go and play.

[I highly recommend listening to Voddie Baucham's sermon on The Importance of Biblically Disciplining Children. He also has a great book titled Family Driven Faith. I feel the need to mention that I know some children do not respond to spanking at all. My sister was someone who would laugh when she got spanked. I think as a mother (and father) you have to determine the best way to discipline your child.

In our house we use both spanking and time-outs depending on the situation. For example, when Aubrey is having a full-blown meltdown or tantrum, spanking is the worst thing I could do for her at that time. I have learned that putting her in an isolated part of the house (so that she's not disturbing the rest of the family), and telling her, "Aubrey, when you calm down you can come back out with the rest of us." Usually within minutes (if not seconds), she walks out of the room and says, "I'm all better now!" Then it's much easier to talk to her about what caused the meltdown/tantrum in the first place and what the consequences are for her actions. Besides, don't all of us need to go pitch a fit behind closed doors every once in awhile?! :) A spanking is most effective when there is defiant/disobedient acting out.]

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Mothering Tip

You and your husband should make a working list of unacceptable behaviors for your household. It will help you to determine when discipline is necessary. Think through your list and decide what measures of discipline will need to be used if you child chooses to rebel.

Here are some you might consider:

"No" when told to do something.
Continues to play when given instructions to obey.
Throws a tantrum.
Defiantly walks away while you're still talking.
Disrespects the property of your host when you are visiting.
Climbs on furniture, plays with fragile things when told not to do so.
Is loud and annoying to get attention.
Ignores you.
Hits you.
Does opposite of what he was told to do.
Screams and shrieks loudly in public places.
Dictates what parents can and cannot do.
Waits to obey until just before getting into trouble.

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A Mother's Training

Confession/Forgiveness
What does it mean for a child to "confess?" It simply means he needs to admit when he's wrong. Learning to admit he is wrong helps to promote a teachable heart in a child and will enable him to more readily confess his sins to God.

The confession and forgiveness phase can take less than 30 seconds. Help your child verbalize when he's in the wrong.

If your child is two or three, he is just learning to say he's sorry. Please don't become legalistic about requiring a very young child to "confess" and "repent." They are only beginning to learn those concepts.

After he has admitted his guilt, you must completely forgive your child, just as God forgives your sin.

The penalty phase of discipline is righting the wrong. Parents should set a fair penalty for any wrong done.

Penalties teach a child that justice exists. Penalties need to be set for children to teach them respect for property, manners, and behavior toward others, not to physically harm others, and self-control.

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Mothering Tip
Let your children know you are serious about their obedience. Don't laugh and smile when you are giving your child a direct command. You need to teach your child that obeying you is a serious matter. A mother's demeanor communicates a great deal to a child. Does he dare challenge your authority? If you laugh at his disobedience, he knows you're a push-over!

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A Mother's Witness

The third most important gift you can give your child is the bread of life: the life of Jesus through the Word of God and prayer.

Teach
To communicate truth to our kids about God, we need a specific time of training, not a passing comment about God. It is good to have a purposeful, scheduled time to teach your children to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and might.

Talk
There are also spontaneous, casual times to talk to your child about God as his questions arise and the situation presents itself. Watch for those precious opportunities and create some of your own.

What to Teach
Word of God

Bible Stories -- For young children there are many good Bible storybooks. [The Jesus Storybook Bible is a great one that we gave Aubrey for Easter. It's written in such a wonderful way, that you as the parent will even get something out of it.]

Scripture Memory

Sunday School Classes -- Be faithful in getting your child to church week after week and year after year. He needs to be in a Bible study class at church just like you do!

Vacation Bible School -- VBS is a whole week of intense Bible study for your child.

Church Youth Camp -- Many churches offer a week long camp for teenagers focusing on Bible study, prayer, and issues that confront teens.

Prayer
Meal Time Prayers -- Please don't teach your child to say, "God is great God is good, let us thank Him for our food." That is not a prayer. That is a poem. Prayer is directed to God. Teach your child to pray something like, "Dear God, thank you for my food. Thank you for taking care of me and my family. Amen."

Pray while holding hands around the table. This does two important things. It keeps your child from eating during the prayer (!) and it forms a special bond as a family each night.

Pray at Restaurants -- This is a witness to others and it teaches your child that you are not ashamed of your faith.

Bedtime Prayer -- Please don't teach your child to pray, "Now I lay me down to sleep..." That is another poem. Teach your child to pray something like, "Dear Jesus, thank You for this day. Thank You for Mommy and Daddy, and (other family members). I love You God, and I want to obey You. In Jesus' name. Amen."

To teach a child how to pray, recite one phrase at a time for him. Let him repeat you. Eventually you will take off the "training wheels" and encourage him to pray on his own.

Crisis Prayers -- When someone is hurt, or something tragic happens, stop and pray with your child about the situation right then.

How to Teach
It takes time and understanding to talk to a child about God. Here are some insights into sharing our faith with our children:

1. Learn to ask questions for which the child has not memorized answers. He will give a "Sunday School" answer and you won't know if he understands. Say something like, "Let's pretend that a child at school asks you to tell him just what it means to become a Christian. What would you tell him?"

2. After asking a question, let the child respond and then really listen to his answer. This sounds simple, but it isn't. If your child says he wants to talk about God or wants to know about Jesus, just ask, "What do you want to talk about?" and remain quiet to let your child formulate the words. Don't talk for him.

3. Use the child's answers to your questions as the beginning place for sharing.

4. Move slowly from first interest to profession of faith so the child will understand the meaning of each step.

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Mothering Tip
Make yourself available when your child wants to talk. Capitalize on times when they are willing to talk. Drop what you are doing and listen. These moments are rare. Take advantage of them!

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Mothering Skills

If you ask your child to complete a task and they do not obey, what will you do? Will you yell at your children? Will stand by frustrated when they do not obey your instructions but feel powerless to do anything about it?

Having a plan set in place ahead of time is the best strategy for training your children. You don't want to react to a situation. You want instead to be proactive in training your child. Knowing what consequences will be administered before an infraction takes place makes it much easier to follow through. Also, it is important to spend time training your child in positive ways, rather than only relying on disciplining them when they are not obedient.

What is one task you will train your child to do in the next three months?

What keeps you from training your child to obey?

What will you do this week to make it easier to train your child?

Training your child instead of screaming at him comes from a different mind-set. First, you need to see yourself as a teacher. Your children are the students. They have an immature sense of responsibility and don't have the same "drive" you do to "get things done." They just want to play and be kids! But as a mother, your job is to teach them responsible behavior and to balance fun with work.

Consistency is the place many moms find difficulty in training. It is not always convenient to stop what you are doing to deal with a situation. But the end result of obedient children is well worth the effort.

Training is not an overnight event...it is an ongoing process. Just choose one behavior to change at a time. Work on that one change until it is mastered, and then move to another task. Encourage your child with lots of praise as he learns to take on more and more responsibility. Soon you will be enjoying your children and they will be enjoying you!

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Next week:

A Mother's Work and Ministry

Should a woman work outside her home? How much should she be involved at her church? Does the Bible have anything to say on these subjects? In this week's study, we will apply a four-part test to all our activities -- including full-time work, homemaking, ministry, and volunteer work -- to find answers to these important questions.

After a woman has her house in order, she is ready for ministry. Does that mean she is to sign up for every available job at church? Does that mean she will wind up in a foreign country speaking a different language? How does she know where to start serving the Lord? The answer to these questions and many more are found in this week's lesson...

WFM: A Mother's Relationship with Her Children Part 1

Our study for the next two weeks will be centered around your relationship with your children. As always, the following is taken directly from Denise Glenn's Wisdom for Mothers.

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These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.
You shall teach them diligently to your sons...
Deut. 6:6-7
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A Mother's Desire

Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit.
And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.

Malachi 2:15

We need to decide why we had our children. Was it to satisfy our emptiness? To mend a failing marriage? Was it so we could be "someone" now that we have the title, "Mother"?

God desires for my husband and me to be filled with the life of the Lord and His purpose for giving us children is to have more vessels on the earth to house His life. He is looking for families to pass on kingdom truths. My responsibility as a mother is to faithfully communicate the truth about the Lord Jesus Christ to my children so they can fulfill God's purpose for their lives.

As a couple, we are just two people and can only do a certain amount to impact the world for Christ. But when our children, their spouses, and our grandchildren join us, now there are more people spreading the kingdom of God. This is God's plan for families.

I want you to see your children from God's perspective. They have a God-given destiny to fulfill. God has a plan to use your children to promote the eternal kingdom here on earth. Your role as a parent or grandparent is to prepare this child for the great kingdom work he/she is to do. Tell your child "his story." Let him see how God has orchestrated events in his life to produce godly character that he might fulfill his great destiny.

It is important to understand why God gave you children and what God's goal is for their lives. This will help you with day to day decisions of child-rearing. Everything you do will be preparing them for God's mission for their lives.

[Those who have known Daniel and me for awhile, know that there was a point when we said we didn't want to have children. I was never the "baby-doll" kind of girl and as a couple Daniel and I decided we liked life just fine without kids. When God pricked my heart to the plight of orphans, He showed me that children are His greatest gift and one of the most magnificent ways we can love Him by furthering His kingdom. God transformed both Daniel's and my heart regarding children, and it's our prayer that we can raise our daughter (and, if it's His will -- our future children) to transform the world through Christ.]

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Mothering Tip

The most awesome privilege for parents is to introduce their children to Jesus and to give them an opportunity to accept Jesus as Savior. While we cannot make the decision for the child, neither should we have a "hands off" attitude. From the day you find out the little one is on the way, begin praying for the salvation of your child or grandchild.

1. Teach your child how very much God loves him and has a plan for his life.
2. Help your child have an awareness of sin -- that is when he chooses to deliberately disobey.
3. Answer your child's questions about God in simple, straightforward language. When he is ready, explain how Jesus died on the cross to pay the cost of his sin.
4. Then tell him that if he asks Jesus to forgive him of his sin and to come into his heart, Jesus will immediately come to live inside him. Also, he will live with Jesus in heaven someday.
5. Continue to answer his questions and pray for him.
6. Wait on your child to respond in his own time.
7. When he is ready to make the decision to become a Christian, don't put it off. Don't wait to talk to a minister. Lead him to Christ in that moment when his heart is tender and ready.

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A Mother's Commitment

How do I produce godly offspring?
Well, I have good news and bad news for you.

The good news is that the Holy Spirit is the One who will produce godliness in your children. Your job is not to be the Holy Spirit in your children's lives. That is His work. He will use you, if you are available, as His instrument to help bring this about.

The bad news is you cannot live your life doing what you want, when you want to, the way you want to do it and still do your part to produce godly offspring. You will have to make sacrifices.

As a young mother, I didn't realize that God was using my children as heavenly sandpaper to smooth off the rough places in me. [AMEN, sister!]

Love has a big price tag. It will cost you your life to love your children enough to do what it takes to produce godly offspring.

You cannot be conformed to this world. You can't do what everyone else around you is doing with their children. You may need to make some changes in your lifestyle. You may have to give up something you really like.

Is there any area(s) of your life that needs changing right now to set a godly example before your children?

A Mother's Vision

Each one of your children was created by God for His kingdom purposes. That makes each child a unique gift from the Lord.

Did you know that in the Bible Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, Elizabeth all struggled with infertility? They were all barren. But as always, God's timing was perfect and these women bore Isaac, Esau/Jacob, Joseph, Samuel, and John the Baptist in the precise time according to God's will.

God matched the heart of the mother's desperate cry for a child with the nation's desperate need for a deliverer. When God does something, it is right for the individual, right for the family, and right for the nation.

I know some of you reading this are desperate for a child.

I do not pretend to know the answers to why God withholds children from some precious godly couples and gives them to others. But I want to introduce a thought that may be new to you.

I want to suggest that you go to the Father and offer yourself as a vessel for His use. If that means carrying a child with a national purpose for the kingdom, tell God you are signing up! If that means never having a child, offer that sacrifice also. If it means adopting a child into your family, open your heart to the Lord, making your home available. I believe God is still in the business of calling children into His kingdom purpose from their mothers' wombs.

Do you have a vision for your child? You won't know specifically what part they will play in God's kingdom. In fact, you don't need to know. You don't want to play the part of God in their lives. Simply offer up your unborn, newborn, preschool, older child, teenager, or young adult to God.

Then teach your child that he has been born for a kingdom reason. He's not here to just take up space! Finally, quietly pray that God's kingdom will come and God's will WILL be done in that child's life.

A Mother's Ministry

One of the most important blessings you can give your child is intercessory prayer. There is something powerful about a mother's prayers for her child.

When your children are small, you can control their environment. You shield your child from physical danger. You can protect little minds from being stolen away by humanistic philosophies. Your child doesn't even have to know what most TV and movies look like!

You should even be very careful about the teachers who have access to their minds. God installed a natural instinct into mothers to protect their young. Follow it! When there is a circumstance in which you're uneasy and you have a "red flag" about it in your conscience -- REMOVE YOUR CHILD FROM THAT PLACE!

[I had an instance several months ago at church (of all places!) where I stepped out of my comfort-zone for Aubrey because something just didn't "feel" right. Aubrey moved up to the next age group at church and was placed in a new class. I just had an overwhelmingly unsettled feeling in my stomach the second I saw the two individuals who would be watching and teaching her. I had never seen them before, didn't know them at all, but just had a wave of uneasiness come over me. During the entire service, I kept thinking, "Go back to that classroom and get your daughter!" That Sunday was the last time she was in that class. I didn't make a big scene or go to the director, I just took her to the next classroom the following Sunday and said, "My daughter is going to be in your class now!" I don't know if anything was going to happen or not in that other class, but there was just something inside me that would not let it go.]

When you pray the Word of God for your son or daughter, it is the most powerful form of protection you can give them. You know you are praying in the will of God for them.

I'm going to share a list of Scripture prayers to pray for your children. Include sons-in-law and grandchildren if that applies to you. Someone shared these with us years ago and we have seen God answer these prayers over and over in each child's life.

1. That they will know Christ as Savior early in life. (Psalm 63:1, 2 Tim. 3:15)

2. That they will have a hatred for sin. (Psalm 97:10)

3. That they will be caught when guilty. (Psalm 119:71)

4. That they will be protected from the evil one in each area of their lives: spiritual, emotional, and physical. (John 17:15)

5. That they will have a responsible attitude in all their interpersonal relationships. (Daniel 6:3)

6. That they will respect those in authority over them. (Romans 13:1)

7. That they will desire the right kind of friends and be protected from the wrong friends. (Proverbs 1:8-19)

8. That they will be kept from the wrong mate and saved for the right one. (2 Corinthians 6:14-17)

9. That they, as well as those they marry, will be kept pure until marriage. (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)

10. That they will learn to totally submit to God and actively resist Satan in all circumstances. (James 4:7)

11. That they will be single-hearted, willing to be sold out to Jesus Christ. (Romans 12:1-2)

12. That they will be hedged in so they cannot find their way to wrong people or wrong places and that the wrong people cannot find their way to them. (Hosea 2:6)

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Mothering Skills:
One on On with Your Child

In today's world it is so easy to get distracted from showing the ones we love the most how much we love them. Establishing an "it's a date" with each of your children is a wonderful way to express your love to them. (If a "date night" with your husband has become a foreign event for you, let me suggest you go back and start there first.)

Not only is "it's a date" a wonderful way to bond with your children, it will also teach your sons how to properly treat their dates or future dates, and it will show your daughters how they ought to be treated on a date.

Sit down with your husband and make a plan of action that will realistically fit with your lifestyle keeping in mind the age and number of children that you have. "It's a date" can be started at any age!

Dates can be as simple as going go breakfast on a Saturday morning (Donuts with Daddy), going for a walk after dinner, going shopping for a new pair of jeans, going out for ice cream, playing miniature golf, etc. Just be sure it's a date that you can focus "one on one" time with one another.

The most important thing: Cherish your child on a daily basis and shower them with your love. Use these special times to secure the love you have for them in their hearts and to keep the lines of communication open between you and your children.

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Next week:

A Mother's Relationship with Her Children Part 2

Disciplining our children is probably the toughest part of mothering. It is hard. It is exasperating. And we don't receive much support for doing it in our culture today. So once again we turn to God's Word...

WFM: A Wife's Relationship with Her Husband Part 2

This week is Part 2 of the Wife/Husband Relationship section.
As always, the following is taken directly from
Denise Glenn's Wisdom for Mothers.
My comments are noted throughout in [blue].
P.S. I'm still in Chicago, so that's my excuse for any typos/mistakes below. :)
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For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24
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A Wife's Ministry

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33

Respect, Honor, and Headship
Do you notice that we are commanded to respect our husbands while they are commanded to love us? Isn't it interesting we have to be commanded to do those things for the person we chose to love for the rest of our lives?

My husband has a basic need for significance. While Christ alone can meet that need, I am Christ's servant on earth chosen to be His hands and feet to enable my husband to experience that significance through the respect and "awe" of his wife. If I wait until my husband deserves this respect, earning it through his "awesome" deeds, then I will give this gift of respect and awe based on his performance. Most men can't perform at that level every day. In fact, some days their performance sometimes will look more like a "blooper" reel. Will I spend my life deciding each day if I should give him respect? Will I be his judge and jury, grading his behavior to see what my attitude will be toward him today?

That Man of Mine
Men were created by God to compete, conquer, and challenge. It is a distinctive part of maleness. This is the picture of the knight in shining armor.

Your man needs to fight for something. Today that may mean dueling other men with his mind at work. Or it may mean taking on his pals at the gym or on the playing field. He may want to hunt, fish, and trap.

Our goal is to encourage our husbands by our respect, through constant affirmation to be a strong man, exerting his manhood by his bearing, quiet authority, and strength of character.

How do we do this? Give him sincere praise. You should be the one who cheers him on when he makes that deal at work, or plays sports, or takes on a challenge of any kind. Don't put him down or neuter his competitive spirit. He needs to have a "fire in his belly" about something! Encourage him. Tell him how proud you are of him. Those are the sweet nothings you should be whispering in his ear.

Strong Physical Relationship
The second major need in your husband's life is a strong physical relationship. They have a strong desire for sex. God made them that way, it's not wrong or sinful.

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Mothering Tip
Try an experiment. List your strengths and ask God to show you exactly how to offer those strengths to your husband in a way that will bless him and bless the Lord.
Physical Strengths
(examples: good sex life, cooked meals, washed clothes...)
Mental Strengths
(examples: balancing the checkbook, doing taxes, remember details, helping him write reports...)
Emotional Strengths
(examples: giving your "feminine intuition" about doing business dealings, remaining loyal in a crisis, sincerely praising his efforts.)
Spiritual Strengths
(examples: praying for him, helping him see life from God's point of view...)
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A Wife's Service

Comfort Through Food

Food is an obvious source of comfort you can provide for your husband. For our grandmothers and many of our mothers, it was taken for granted that the wife would prepare food for her husband. In many homes today, families eat out every meal or husbands and children "grab" something to eat when they're out because when they go home, nothing will be cooked and on the table. Talk it over with your husband and ask him what he would life for you to do about food for your family. Ask questions like these:

1. Do you want me to cook at home more often? What type of meals would you like for me to serve?
2. What could I do about our eating and food purchasing that would help you the most?
3. How can we eat more healthfully?

[There's more on this subject at the end in the "Mothering Skills" section.]

Comfort Through Compassion
Another way to minister to your husband is through being compassionate. Most men go through some sort of disappointment and defeat at some point in their lives. Trouble at work or joblessness, a prodigal child, or death of a loved one are but a few events that can happen in life. A crisis, however, can be one of the most productive times in life if the man (and his wife) respond appropriately.

What can you do when your husband is hurting?
Recognize that God is working in his life and this is also an opportunity for you to grow spiritually. In years to come, your husband will look back at this time in your lives and remember your response. Stay close by, but don't needle him with questions. Quietly lend him your strength.

You can also pray for your husband to find a male mentor during this season of life. He needs a man who has already "been there" and has survived victoriously.

Follow Him
God has a call for each man's life. He has a destiny to fulfill. As a man is matured by God through the circumstances of his life, he is being prepared to do the great work God has for him. When a man is mature spiritually and emotionally, he is able to get beyond himself and accomplish this task.

How do you minister to a man with God's call on his life? You follow his lead. Humbly submit to God's plan. If he doesn't see clearly what God has for him, help him clarify the vision. Pray with him and for him until you both understand his call.

Then be prepared to adjust your life to help him be completely obedient to whatever God says. Don't make him have to choose between pleasing God and pleasing you.

Allow God free access to the life of your husband. Tell God "Wherever You lead him, I'll go!"

[Even it means following him all the way out to Oklahoma! And let me just say, that God's will for your husband doesn't exclude you. He will work in mighty ways in your life too as you submit to your husband's call. ]

A Wife's Communication

The goal of our marriage is to minister to our mates, not to manipulate them to get our needs met. So how do we communicate with that goal in mind?

The following principles are based on the book of Ruth -- it's only 4 short chapters and reads like a romance novel. If you have time, it's worth your while to read!

Principle 1: Right Motives and Right Message
When it's time to communicate something important to your husband, you'll need to go to the Father and ask Him to reveal the condition of your heart. Our minds, wills, and emotions can be so full of self-interest and deception that sometimes we don't really know right from wrong.

Principle 2: Right Time and Place
Don't attack your husband with a knotty problem as he comes in the door from work. Don't call him at the office when his mind is preoccupied. Look for a time to talk to your husband when he can give his full attention to the subject.

A man experiences a woman with all of his senses. He will take notice if you dress nicely and fix your hair and face. Now, you should not use your body as a form of manipulation, but on the other hand, use your common sense! Most men are more apt to pay attention to a woman who has groomed herself than to a woman who has not. It conveys seriousness. You wouldn't walk into a business meeting with your hair in rollers and no make-up. So why shouldn't you give your husband the same consideration?

Principle 4: Right Attention-Getter
When we have something important to communicate with our husbands, we should first make sure we have his attention. Then, being sensitive to waiting until the right time and place, we should briefly and clearly say what is on our minds.

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Mothering Tip
Get creative when communicating with your children. Non-verbal symbols might help both you and your child express feelings that might otherwise be hard to convey. Let them try drawing pictures about how they are feeling. Use the pictures as a starting point for your discussions.
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Principle 5: Right Leader
Because women are such verbal communicators, we often jump the gun and start talking first. If we wait and let our husband lead the conversation, it places him in the leadership position where he belongs. It demonstrates that we honor and respect him.

Principle 6: Right Words
So often we give too many details and too much information about the way we feel about those details! Most guys want to hear the bottom line of a problem or situation. It is more effective to communicate with your husband if you will state the problem and then be quiet.

Principle 7: Right Action
After you have clearly and briefly communicated with your husband, it is time to be still and let him act.

This is the hardest part! You must shift into the "submission" gear and let your husband make the final decision. This may take waiting and patience and more waiting and more patience!

After you have done your homework and presented your case before your husband with the right motive, at the right time and place, with the right atmosphere, you have let him take the lead, and have stated your case briefly and clearly, just wait and let him act. You have done your part. Now leave the issue in the hands of the Lord and your husband.

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Mothering Tip
When marital conflicts arise: CLASP

C--Calm down. Cool off and back away for a moment.
L--Lower your voice. It may have risen a few decibels.
A--Ask questions. Don't debate with him. Don't argue. Find out what he is feeling. Even if you know you don't agree, just ask and listen to the answer
S--State your position sensibly.

P--Propose a solution. Negotiate a fair deal between husband and wife.

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Hope, Peace, and Forgiveness

Hope

We've been studying our relationship with our husbands from a perspective of marriage at its best. But what if your marriage is in trouble? Life can be pretty complicated and overwhelming. So I want to start this section with the word HOPE.

Is there hope in your future?

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people... Ephesians 1:18

We don't wishfully hope God will work out the mess in our relationships, wondering if He really will do it. We place our hope in God knowing that He can and He will bring us to a place of peace in each relationship.

Peace
His plan for our lives is peace even in the midst of chaos. Peace doesn't depend on your circumstances; it all depends on your dependable God. He is offering it to you. Now your job is to accept it.

How can you accept it? Kneel in prayer and simply tell God you are exchanging your fear, confusion, pain, and anger for His peace, strength, and love.

Don't try to force another person to change before there can be peace. Even if the person never changes, you can choose peace.

Forgiveness
Your heart is a little like an onion with all its layers. When you start healing from an emotional trauma, you heal on the outside first. You become somewhat functional again and you go along until something triggers all the pain. And you realize there is another layer underneath that still hasn't healed, so you process that healing...until something later triggers the anger, and frustration, and pain all over again, and you have to deal with that layer. But eventually, layer by layer, the pain comes off and the healing takes place and you become whole.

At least, that's how it's supposed to work. But if you never face the hurtful issues at all, the layers decay, and pretty soon, you have a rotten, smelly mess growing where your heart is supposed to be.

No one will say forgiveness is a simple process, especially when you've experienced the sorrow of rejection. It feels terrible. But I can assure you that Jesus is always ready to hear your heart's cry and all your deepest grief, because He shares it with you. His life wasn't easy either.

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Isaiah 53:3-4

You are not alone. You have a friend and comforter who is available 24/7, who never sleeps, never gets tired of hearing your story over and over, never gets weary with your depression. He is simply there. He is welcoming you now into His presence where your soul can finally find rest.

So take Him up on it. Let Him take your burdens. Let Him walk you through forgiveness. And take some firm steps on the pathway to freedom.

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Mothering Skills

You may have grown up in a family where dinner was on the floor in front of the TV or where the family never sat down to a meal at all. Rethink dinner time for your present family.
Try the following:

• Use your kitchen table for dinner. Turn off the TV. Don't answer the phone during dinner. Set the table with plates, napkins, and silverware. Use serving bowls instead of putting the pots on the table.
• Use dinner time to talk. It is difficult to carry on a great conversation with two or three preschoolers at the table, but some conversation can happen. Persevere! As your children get older, they will enter in and dinner time can be the time every day when the family finds out what's going on in each other's lives.
• Use dinner time to teach your children manners. Put your napkin on your lap. Keep your elbows off the table. Don't talk with your mouths full. Ask for food to be passed, don't reach for it. Wait until everyone at the table has been served dessert before you start eating it.
• Use dinner time to teach your children to pray. In our family, we hold hands and the husband prays before each meal. Occasionally he'll call on another family member, but usually he leads us in prayer.

What is your greatest challenge in providing dinner for your family?
What is your most difficult food-related task?
Did your mother cook for the family?
How does that affect the way you feel about food preparation?
What is your goal for feeding your family?

Planning meals ahead of time always helps. Look over your weekly schedule. You'll probably find that some nights are busier than others. on busy nights, make that your "light night" with items such as tacos, salads, casseroles, or crock-pot dinners.

Once you plan your week, grocery shop for those items. You will be amazed at how much it decreases your grocery bill.

Cooking double and freezing always helps if you have room in your freezer. Always keep one meal on hand, even if it's just spaghetti and bread that you can throw together in a pinch.

If cooking intimidates you, then practice!

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Next Week:

A Mother's Relationship with Her Children, Part 1

I have never met a mother who didn't want to be a good one. There is within us a strong desire to be the best mother possible for our children. But how? Where do we start? What should be our goal?

WFM: A Wife's Relationship with Her Husband Part 1

This chapter of the study was divided into two parts.
Next Wednesday will have Part 2.
Again, the material below is taken from Wisdom for Mothers by Denise Glenn.
Sidenote: Since this has to do with husbands, it talks a tiny bit about s-e-x.
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Has the Lord as much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
as in obeying the voice of the Lord?
Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice...
1 Samuel 15:22
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A Wife's Goal

Most women have been called to be wives and mothers. In America, half of those will remain married and the other half will go through separation and be divorced at least once. The issues of marriage have become an emotional bomb for us all, since we have either experienced the destruction of a marriage covenant personally or have watched helplessly as it happened to those we love.

Uniting a man and a woman spiritually, emotionally, and physically is the goal of marriage. Two become one. They each separate themselves from their families of origin and begin a new nuclear family, with the husband as the new head.

The first basic need of man was not to be alone. God instilled a deep longing in our hearts to belong to someone we love and trust. It isn't wrong to need companionship. The most basic reason for marriage is the companionship and friendship that comes from unity of spirit, soul, and body.

Lets focus on your husband's needs for a moment...
Are you a good friend to your husband?
Are you there for him when he needs you?
Can he share his innermost thoughts with you without feeling like you would criticize and attack him?
Do you make him the number one earthly priority, adjusting all other aspects of your life to make sure you care for him first?
Do you need to ask his forgiveness for taking him for granted?

These may be difficult questions to ask yourself, particularly if you have been deeply hurt by your husband.

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Mothering Tip
Let your child know he is valuable to you. Say something like, "you are my amazing kid" or "I love you just because you're mine!" Don't reward good behavior by telling him he is valuable. He is valuable just because he's your child!
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A Wife's Commitment

God's covenant with us is the model for our covenant relationship with our mates. Covenant relationships last for a lifetime.

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Mothering Tip
Your child has a great need for being and feeling secure. A strong marriage is one of the most important ways you can give him that security. Will you close the back door of divorce today? Will you decide that you will commit yourself fully to your marriage? One of the ways you can let your child know that his parents' marriage is strong is to let him see his parents being affectionate with each other. Obviously, you don't want any X-rated scenes in front of your children, but a little show of affection in front of them does everyone good!
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A Wife's Strength

Because we are in covenant with God, He defends us. We are to defend His holy name because we are in covenant with Him.

A wife is in covenant with her husband. He is to protect and defend her and she is to protect and defend him -- particularly his name.

Praying for your husband is the most powerful weapon a wife has to defend him from his ultimate enemy, Satan. Ephesians 6:10-20 and 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 can provide the basis for wonderful kingdom praying for your husband.

Take the word "divorce" out of your vocabulary. Don't be quick to run and bail out instead of facing the issues of your marriage.

A Wife's Covenant

As you made your way down the aisle, you were leaving your old single life and entering into a new life. It was a walk that forever changed your life.

When you arrived at the end of the aisle at your wedding, the two of you joined hands and made your way to the altar. On every altar, there is a sacrifice where something dies. Did you stop to think on your wedding day, "What or who dies on the marriage altar?" The answer to that is, "The bride and the groom!" They are to die to singleness, self-centeredness, and selfishness. This is the purpose for coming to the altar. Don't you wish someone had told you what you were doing on your wedding day!

The permanent reminder of the union between your husband and you is the children you have borne. They are a constant testimony to the fact that two have become one.

A Wife's Role

The Bible says, "The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib..." It doesn't say God took a rib and built a woman all round it and that rib became just one of her body parts. It is worded to say that the woman IS THE RIB.

What is a rib? What does a rib do? A rib protects the heart. It is part of the major defense of the body to protect the vulnerable, soft heart and lungs from outside attack.

What does a wife do? She is the defender of her husband's heart. She knows all his tender and vulnerable parts. She knows where he can be crushed and broken. She defends her covenant partner against the onslaught of the world. She protects his heart.

How do you think a man feels when his wife does not defend his ego but tears it down, especially in public?

But what do we do when our husband isn't the strong man we think he should be?
1 Peter 3:1 explicitly says that even if our husband does not obey the Word of God, you are still to be submissive to him.

There's that word that makes us cringe.
Submission.

Why submit?

Well, first of all because it is what God commands.
Secondly, the husband-wife relationship is a picture of the relationship between Jesus and the church. Our marriages are temporary earthly pictures of the real, eternal marriage that exists in heaven. We are to be just as submissive to our husbands as the church is to Christ.

What if your husband asks you to do something that is wrong?
If your husband asks you to disobey God's stated commands, you must obey God. However, make sure the point you are arguing really is Scriptural.

What if my husband isn't a Christian?
Again, 1 Peter 3:1 says to still submit. It does not guarantee that a husband will be saved if a wife submits to him, but it says it is one way to possibly win him to the Lord. If you are a Christian and your husband is not, you can be sure he is watching you. Whether he admits it or not, he's waiting to see if your commitment to Christ makes a difference.

What should you do if your husband won't lead?
My counsel to women whose husbands do not desire to be the head of the home is, "Stand behind him." If he is backing up against the wall, squeeze in behind him. Tell him you will not lead. When there is a decision to be made, wait on your husband to make it. You will be amazed at the blessing of order it will bring to your home.

The current trend in media is to belittle men and to display them as weak and effeminate or just plain stupid. I believe this is not only a reflection of what is happening in homes, but I also believe it is affecting homes by brain-washing men to give up their God-appointed right to lead!

Your submission to him will strengthen your husband as a man. It affirms the role God has given him. A side benefit of submission to your husband is that it will usually make him more attractive to you and you more attractive to him. God knew that when He set up the system!

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Mothering Tip
The first step in submitting to your husband is to discover his goals. Interview your husband to find out where he wants to direct your family.
1. What are your goals for our children? Spiritual goals? Educational goals? Vocational goals?
2. What are your financial goals for our family? Savings? To be debt free? Giving? Retirement?
3. What are your goals for our marriage? Spiritual goals? Physical relationship? Recreational goals?
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Mothering Skills

After the honeymoon is over and life settles into a routine, keeping the spark in your marriage is sometimes a challenge. Just planning fun dates are important, everyday life in your home contributes to the romantic climate in your house.

Ponder these questions...

What is the atmosphere of your home?
Is your home a haven of peace, unconditional love and acceptance?
Does your husband know he can escape the stress of life to a home where he is loved and accepted?
Does your husband come home to chaos or harmony?
How can you plan ahead to make his coming home from work a special time?

What is the attitude of your heart?
Do you have a critical spirit and speak harshly to your husband?
How do you communicate with him?
Do you use sarcasm and insults or kindness and respect?
How do you react to sex with your husband?
Are you warm and inviting or indifferent and treat sex as something you have to do rather than something you would prefer to do?
[In our study, a woman shared with us that she decided to always say "yes" to her husband when he wanted to have sex. There were literally gasps from some of the ladies in there when she shared that. But it really made us all think...what if you never said "no"? The woman went on to say that it truly transformed their marriage. Just something to think about...]

Is your husband really your first priority after God?
Have you truly left all others and only cleave to your husband?
Does he know you are his biggest fan? That when no one else believes in him, you do?
Do you allow him to be the spiritual leader of your home?

Ideas to create romance in your home
Making time for each other: finding time with busy schedules can be very difficult. You may need to reevaluate your schedules. The greatest reason for disinterest in sex is fatigue. Before children, romance and sex could be more spontaneous. After children, it has to be more carefully planned.

Think of three free or low-cost "date" places you would like to take your husband.

Think of two splurge date places you could take your husband.

Think of three times that might be possible for a special date with your husband.

What will be your greatest challenge in creating a date for your husband?

What are some practical ways to overcome those challenges?

If babysitting is your greatest challenge... try swapping babysitting with a couple in your church.

If scheduling is your greatest challenge...try getting your calendars for the year and planning a date for once every 3 to 4 months. A few dates each year are a lot better than none! It gives you something to look forward to and time to make it a priority.

What is the most fun on a date you've ever had with your husband?

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Next week:

A Wife's Relationship with Her Husband, Part 2

In a world where we are being told to "look out for number one" and "take care of ourselves" should a wife have to minister to her husband? This week we'll look at what scripture says about this important subject.

WFM: Loving and Accepting Myself as God Does

Fair Warning: It's a long one this week.
You might want to grab a snack and beverage. :)
The majority of the writing below is from Denise, the author of WFM,
with my tidbits thrown in here and there.

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For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39
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My True Value

For some of us, loving and accepting ourselves is hard. We've been taught all our lives to focus on God and others and ignore "me." When you get down to it, some of us wonder, "Are we worth loving and accepting?"

Well, God sure thinks so.
And in His eyes, all people are of equal value:

There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.

Galatians 3:28-29

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Mothering Tip
Tell your children often how amazing they are and how much you love them. Help them see themselves as precious, unique, and valuable and to discover their spiritual gifts. Remember to say five positive comments to them for each correction you must give.
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My New Identity

Our children will be powerfully affected by the way we look at ourselves. If we don't love ourselves, we cannot love our children or anyone else the way they should be loved. As moms, it is critical that we take time to learn to love ourselves in a healthy way without becoming self-centered or self-abusive.

Who am I really?

Well, let's look at who you really are from God's point of view:
Ephesians 1:3-14

• You are blessed with every spiritual blessing. (Eph. 1:3)

• You are predestined/chosen. (Eph. 1:4, 11) You are set apart by God because He has a special purpose for your life...not only at its beginning, but right now, no matter how old you are.
  

• You are holy and blameless in His sight. (Eph. 1:4-5 and Eph. 2:4) You may not feel holy, but you ARE pure and holy if you have received forgiveness for your sins. You are also blameless and worthy of His love. Stop playing the Shame and Blame Game with yourself. God isn't blaming you -- and He is the only one who has that right -- so you shouldn't blame yourself. No matter what you have done, ask Jesus to forgive you and then wipe the slate clean. Do that now! You are BLAMELESS. Say that to yourself several times each day.
  

• You are adopted. (Eph 1:5) He does more than call you a friend. He has named you in His will; you are His child who will receive all of His inheritance. You came into His family because He loved and chose you.
  

• You are redeemed and your sins are forgiven. (Eph. 1:7) All your sins are completely forgiven and forgotten. You have been washed totally white and clean.
  

• You are accepted. (Eph. 1:13) You belong to God and His family. You are not rejected. You are accepted fully by Him.
  

• You are marked with a seal. (Eph. 1:13) You are a specially marked package. You have been marked with His seal, the Holy Spirit, who lives inside you.
  

• You have been called by God. (Eph. 1:18) God has called your name, calling you to live on a higher plane. When your eyes are opened to that calling, you'll never be the same. He has called you for a purpose (according to Eph. 2:10) for good works that He has prepared in advance for you to do.
  

My Gifts

God has called you for His purpose and He's equipped you with the gifts and abilities to carry out that purpose. Your gifts, talents, and personality are unique and unlike anyone else. So part of loving yourself is understanding what makes you "you" and embracing the way God made you on the inside.

There are several places in scripture about spiritual gifts:
Romans 12:6-8 lays out some gifts God gives to His children for the sake of building up the church:

• Prophesying
• Serving
• Teaching
• Encouraging
• Contributors to the needs of others
• Leadership
• Showing mercy

Some scholars add the possibility of other gifts:

• Hospitality (1 Peter 4:9-10)
• Missionary (Ephesians 3:6-8)
• Intercession (Prayer -- Ephesians 6:18)
• Writing (Luke 1:1-3)
• Celibacy (1 Corinthians 7:1-9)
• Voluntary Poverty (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)
• Martyrdom (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)

When you are operating in your spiritual gifts, you are at peace.
When our gifts are being actively engaged, there is evidence of spiritual fruit in the lives of those around us.

It doesn't matter whether a certain ability is a spiritual gift, a blessing from God, a God given talent, and inherited trait, a natural human ability, or something learned. What is important is that we discover what gifts are more pronounced in us and learn how to use them to serve God.

{If you feel like you need help assessing your Spiritual gifts, there are several online survey-type questionnaires you can take (just Google "discovering your spiritual gifts").}

Limiting Myself

Not only do many of us need to rein ourselves in emotionally, we also need to set limits and have self-control with our bodies.

For women especially, body consciousness is at an all time high. You may think you're immune to it, but most women face peer pressure of some kind when they compare their bodies to those of other women.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

How can we honor God with our bodies and learn to make peace with the body He gave each of us?

First, we'll need to accept and enjoy the way God created our particular body with all its bumps and bulges. What design did God use to shape your body? What color scheme did He use when He formed you in your mother's body? What are your physical strengths and weaknesses?

Accepting God's Protection

Part of loving and accepting ourselves with God's love is staying within the boundaries God has set up for us. These boundaries are designed to shield and protect us. Just like we set boundaries for our children because we love them, God has given us these "house rules" to protect us.

Worship the One True God
We must not have any god besides the one true and living God. Is there a person or thing that you are tempted to worship? Do have certain "idols" that you are having to constantly tear down?

Making My Children Godly, Not Gods
We must not center our lives around our children, serving their every wish and desire, and obeying their command!

Take Seriously the Power of His Name
If you are in the habit of cursing, using God's or Jesus' name, stop now and ask God to release you from that pattern of thinking and speaking. Ask Him to cleanse your mind and your mouth.

Sabbath -- Don't Forget to Rest
Keeping the Sabbath is to take a break from work and set aside a holy time to be with the Lord.

Honor Your Parents
It is easy for some of us to honor our parents because they have been honorable. But what if yours weren't? You may have to set your will and choose to honor parents who don't deserve it.

Protect Innocent Life
The first thing that may have come to your mind is the issue of abortion. If you have not settled this issue in your heart and mind, ask yourself the famous question posed by the late Dr. Francis Schaeffer, "When was Jesus Christ the one true Son of God?" Was there a point in her pregnancy when Mary could have aborted a "fetus" -- and not Jesus -- the Son of God? Was He the Son of God at birth? Was He Jesus Christ one minute before birth? One minute after that? At what moment did He become the person who was both God and man? Luke 1:35 says the moment that the Holy Spirit came upon Mary and she conceived Jesus. It was at conception that He was God incarnate and given the name, Son of God.

I know abortion can be a weighty subject for many people and cause quite the controversy. My personal belief can be summed up in an unlikely snippet from an episode of Scrubs:

Another aspect of protecting the innocent is in regard to our words. What we say can be harmful for children. A child is extremely vulnerable to his mother's words and even our tone. I vividly remember the day I raised my voice at Aubrey out of frustration. She instantly burst into tears. When Daniel walked through the door that evening (several hours after the incident), Aubrey ran to him saying, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy yelled at me today!" (The next day, we had a lesson on tattling. Just kidding... :))

If your mother had anger in her heart toward you, and said wrong, hateful words -- make up your mind right now to forgive her and to loose yourself from that bondage.

Remain Pure
There is no gray area about the sacredness of the marriage vow. Adultery is strictly forbidden. If you are struggling with attraction to a man who is not your husband, take it to Jesus. Cleansing, healing, and forgiveness are yours for the asking.

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Mothering Tip
Don't look deeply into the eyes of a man who is not your husband. Of course, you can get legalistic about this, but as women, we know when it's time to look away from a man's gaze or excuse ourselves from a conversation that's getting too intimate.
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Don't Steal
This doesn't just include tangible things. For instance, have you ever stolen time from your children that rightfully belonged to them? Your time? Your attention? Find ways to give back to them.

Be Truthful
Integrity and honor are private virtues that are passed on not so much in the big arenas in life but in the small. Do you struggling with telling the truth when a lie is more convenient? Parents who ask their children to be honest and honorable, yet are not willing to follow these patterns themselves, will be unable to inspire these qualities in their children.

Be Content
Everything we possess is a gift from God. To want what someone else has is to despise what God has provided for us. A good antidote for covetousness is thanking God for what you have, recognizing that He provides exactly what we need.

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Mothering Skills

It doesn't matter whether you're +10 or -10 lbs., tall or short, brown or blonde, dress in Chanel or Target. What matters is knowing the truth: the only acceptance that really matters is already yours in Christ Jesus. If you try to get your need for love and acceptance met in any other way, you might be tempted to:

• Make food and idol, running to it for comfort rather than God.
• Overindulge, making sure your own needs are met and you feel good.
• Over-consume, trying to find the perfect clothes, right wrinkle cream, the "It" purse.
• Under-eat, desiring to be perfect.
• Hide and quit, trying to avoid feelings of disappointment and failure with your appearance.

Learning to love and accept the body God gave you is a life-long process. Because your body continues to change with age, you'll be challenged to love it through all the seasons of life. And for those of us who have been pregnant/have had a child know just how different each "season" can be!

Body Image Assessment
1. How many times a day do you think about your general appearance?
2. How many times each day you think about your weight?
3. How many people do you compare yourself to each day?
4. Is there something about your appearance that you don't like? What is it?
5. How often do you complain, whether silently or out-loud, about some aspect of your appearance?
6. How thankful are you for the body God has given you?
7. Do you eat, exercise, and dress to give God the glory?

Body Image Tips
1. Be discerning about which magazines you read and which TV shows you watch.
2. Don't casually complain about your weight. It invites comparison and compliments.
3. Eat right and exercise. Quit looking for the perfect diet and go back to the basics. Our goal should be lifestyle changes for good health, not to drop a dress size before the next weekend.
4. Find clothes that fit you, no matter what size you are. Don't keep putting off buying clothes to fit your post-pregnancy body.
5. Don't make foods good or bad. Think more in terms of balance and quantity. One (or two...hehe) cookie(s) is not "bad" -- but eating 10 cookies? Well, that's not "good". :)
6. Get going! Whether you walk or do aerobics, the key is to move each day, preferably for about 30-45 minutes. Go outside when possible. Get away from media and into creation.
7. Keep lots of healthy snacks around, not just fruit so that you can have options when you are hungry.

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Next Week:

A Wife's Relationship with Her Husband

It has been said that the greatest thing you can do for your children is love your mate. We all desire a marriage made in heaven, but can we achieve it? How can we discover the truth about marriage so we'll know what to do? The secret, of course, is in the Word of God. For the next two weeks, we will closely examine our role in having a marriage that sizzles...